Is it worth it?

A spiritual and emotional inventory is critical at certain points in your life. It's our human way of making sure we are checking our boxes. It is our consistent frame of reference that helps us navigate this storm we call life.

Pain and void do not discriminate. They cripple the strongest and the most spiritual. They are equal minded employers. Pain does not look for the easiest target. Its target seems to be arbitrary. Even if there is a pattern, the very framework of pain does not allow for that much introspection. The data is not sufficient when you are a wreck. The data does not medicate the rationality of how much you hurt. In fact, giving so much weight to the data can confuse you even more.

If we are honest with ourselves, we will soon learn that the times you are hit with a "ton of bricks" either purifies you, or debilitates you. In some cases, your response does not always dictate the outcome of your character. I used to always think that suffering builds character (not that I don't now). In fact, I sing about it in my songs. I talk a whole lot about pain. I say that there is a God that rescues you in the midst of anguish. I say that there is a presence that is so compelling, that everything else is a distant second....

And then I interface with my soul. I look deep inside the layers of my heart that cannot access hope in the ways that I "should be able to." I mean common G-Vo. This is what you're about isn't it? You're the guy that makes us want to believe in the stuff you so desperately hold on to as truth. What can crack you? What makes your badge of honor so tainted? What eats at you like it eats the rest of us?

I thought the reason you listen to G-Vo is because he experiences the miry pit in ways that everyone else does. I thought the reason you like his music despite his feeble attempts at greatness is that he speaks to your soul. He understands the human condition. I thought you follow him because he knows what it's like to not have the slightest ray of hope, and battle odds that are not in his favor. This is what I thought.

And then I thought some more....

The anguish that I feel is understood by someone. Though I have no clue how He is going to get me out of this, there is a seed of hope and love that is rooted deep deep within. I do not humanly have the courage to go there. But I remember that He sweat blood at the garden of Gethesemane. He experienced loneliness that I will never even touch. But, here's the thing....

Knowing this about Him does not get me through the hell. The principle of him sweating blood and being so lonely is not sufficient. I am a selfish human being who cannot just identify with principles and historic references.. I am going to need all His heavenly resources to push me. I am going to need the very presence of His spirit. I am going to need a greater abundance of His mercy. I am going to need Him in me. I need Him to be more real to me than my beating heart. I will not be satisfied with anything short of this. If I am, then God help anyone that has to interact with me. I don't need a Bible story. I don't need another Christian idea. I am going to need the assurance from a God that is so unbelievably real, that I will be willing to die a thousand times over to pursue His destiny on my life. This is what I need. A tall order isn't it? This is what it looks like to be broken. This is what it feels like when your heart is in anguish.

Then I will know Him. Then I will operate in a different dimension. Then I will become an endangered species - rare, original, and reborn. So can you. I have full faith in your potential, because I've seen it in me. He loves you more than you will ever know. I don't know when you will know. But you will know. Peace, and much love to you - John Baptist.


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